time has passed

once what were moments have become faded memories

Your face has become vague with time

the memory of your voice is disapearring

your number no more occupies my brain

wish to talk to you is no more as strong as it use to be

letters have remained unopened for a very long time

the smell of damp has replaced the old smell of lust

i know one thing for sure

if time is right and we see each other

the old sparks will lead to fire

burning us both in the fire of lust.

i woke up

drank a cup of coffee

lit a joint

slept for few more hours

saw you walk by

said a "hi"

met a friend

had a beer or two

slept again

waited for tomorrow to come!!

an incomplete story

Went to college for my admissions. Had not applied for that particular college.I cleared the cutoff so was trying my luck. I was standing in a line. Saw this guy. I was attracted to him in a very weird kind of way. Maybe that is what a crush is. But he was not good looking or anything. I don't know what attracted me to him. I got through that college. The first day in college, I was standing pretty lost not knowing what to do. He was there too. I don't remember names and faces. His face I remembered. He was in my class. Me being me, I kept my distance. Trying not to care. I had a boy friend then. I did not want anything to happen between us. He was my secret "crush".

Slowly we become friends. I started liking him more. I have seen him look at me in a way that meant something. I thought there was something. Final year, during exams I told him that I like him over text. He said he was "confused". He said we are better of as friends. "Long and lasting friendship".That is what he called us. It was not awkward. While leaving he gave me a piece of music. A music box. I have gave him love in times of cholera. the book started with the line "the smell of bitter almond always reminded him of unrequited love...".  

He is in a far away land somewhere. When we meet next, I have no idea.One day, before leaving he told me that I was the closest he was ever to liking someone. 

Its weird how this ended. There was nothing to start in beginning. for me its a incomplete story. A story, which never started. Or maybe a story with a perfect end. When I think of him, I smile. I smile at the fact that we met and we became friends. I dont know if we will ever meet again. Are we even going to stay in touch. but when i think of college, I will think of him. I will feel happy. I am not saying I was in love with him. maybe maybe not. But whatever I had for him, It was nice.

One among the 50s

I told this to 50 other girls, he said.

My fault I believed it.

I have been very clear from the beginning , he said

It was all in my head.

Its none of anyone's business, he said

I thought I deserved to know.

We were never friends, I said.

You were my friend, he said.

I decided to be nice to you so that its easy for her, he said

I don't need your pity, I said.

I think he was right about you, I said.

Think as you like, I don't care, he said.
Move on, he said, Its been three months.
I had moved on, Needed to tell him what i thought.

You can't handle all of this, not your cup of tea, he said.

I will next time, I resolved.
:)

FEELING LOST

I remember an incident when I was in class 1, or maybe even younger. Instead of a terrace we had a hall back home .My mom had asked me to fetch something. When i went up , i saw my first cousin, who was i think in class 8,with whom i had grown up. He was chilling in the hall. The next thing i remember , he was on top of me. I dint know what was happening. I started screaming. I think he let me go. He told me not to tell anyone and he gave me a toffee. I had no clue what had happened. It was just very unsettling and violating. He slapped me when i told him I'll tell my mom. I ran down stairs and told my mom.She went and screamed at him. He was the apple of my grandmother's eye. She said that I must have done something. According to her , he was the best boy ever. The incident was forgotten in the house. Nobody spoke about it. Nobody did nothing. We stayed in the same house for another 5-6 years.
I had pushed it away in some part of my brain.
when i was in class 8, for my vacation i had gone to my aunt's house. One night, when i was sleeping I felt a had slide up my to my breast. It was uncle. for sometime I thought I was imagining it. I use to be fond of him. When I realized what was happening I got up and ran to the bathroom, and I cried. I must have cried for hours. Somebody was knocking at the door of the bathroom. I had no guts to open the door. I kept sitting there. Crying. I could hear my cousin calling me . Finally I opened the door. On  asking, I told I was missing home. Why dint I tell them what had happened? I told no one. Pushed that away too.

I wish my parents had stood for me the first time it happened. I wish I had stood for myself the second time it happened.

I moved to delhi for my college. I started having dreams, someone was getting raped and i was trying to save her. I use to wake up screaming. It must have happened four five times. It stopped as suddenly as it had started.
Since then i haven't been able to push it at the back of my mind. Its there. Resurfaces at its own whim.

I was sleeping with a guy. We had decided not to get involved in any other way. That dint happen, towards the end I think I started liking him. I feel sad as to what I did to myself in this set up. I don't know how that happened, but he became the one with the greater power. For however long this arrangement worked, I kept submitting. It was not like he was a bad guy. It is not even about sex. Its generally about a lot of things .I don't blame him. It was me who was at fault. I let him do that to me. knowing him it was not something conscious. Now, when i am out of it, I feel disgusted at myself for letting this happen. I realized how even today after all my understanding I did not stand up for my own self. It kind of amazes me how I have been exploited and have exploited myself.