I remember an incident when I was in class 1, or maybe even younger. Instead of a terrace we had a hall back home .My mom had asked me to fetch something. When i went up , i saw my first cousin, who was i think in class 8,with whom i had grown up. He was chilling in the hall. The next thing i remember , he was on top of me. I dint know what was happening. I started screaming. I think he let me go. He told me not to tell anyone and he gave me a toffee. I had no clue what had happened. It was just very unsettling and violating. He slapped me when i told him I'll tell my mom. I ran down stairs and told my mom.She went and screamed at him. He was the apple of my grandmother's eye. She said that I must have done something. According to her , he was the best boy ever. The incident was forgotten in the house. Nobody spoke about it. Nobody did nothing. We stayed in the same house for another 5-6 years.
I had pushed it away in some part of my brain.
when i was in class 8, for my vacation i had gone to my aunt's house. One night, when i was sleeping I felt a had slide up my to my breast. It was uncle. for sometime I thought I was imagining it. I use to be fond of him. When I realized what was happening I got up and ran to the bathroom, and I cried. I must have cried for hours. Somebody was knocking at the door of the bathroom. I had no guts to open the door. I kept sitting there. Crying. I could hear my cousin calling me . Finally I opened the door. On asking, I told I was missing home. Why dint I tell them what had happened? I told no one. Pushed that away too.
I wish my parents had stood for me the first time it happened. I wish I had stood for myself the second time it happened.
I moved to delhi for my college. I started having dreams, someone was getting raped and i was trying to save her. I use to wake up screaming. It must have happened four five times. It stopped as suddenly as it had started.
Since then i haven't been able to push it at the back of my mind. Its there. Resurfaces at its own whim.
I was sleeping with a guy. We had decided not to get involved in any other way. That dint happen, towards the end I think I started liking him. I feel sad as to what I did to myself in this set up. I don't know how that happened, but he became the one with the greater power. For however long this arrangement worked, I kept submitting. It was not like he was a bad guy. It is not even about sex. Its generally about a lot of things .I don't blame him. It was me who was at fault. I let him do that to me. knowing him it was not something conscious. Now, when i am out of it, I feel disgusted at myself for letting this happen. I realized how even today after all my understanding I did not stand up for my own self. It kind of amazes me how I have been exploited and have exploited myself.
I had pushed it away in some part of my brain.
when i was in class 8, for my vacation i had gone to my aunt's house. One night, when i was sleeping I felt a had slide up my to my breast. It was uncle. for sometime I thought I was imagining it. I use to be fond of him. When I realized what was happening I got up and ran to the bathroom, and I cried. I must have cried for hours. Somebody was knocking at the door of the bathroom. I had no guts to open the door. I kept sitting there. Crying. I could hear my cousin calling me . Finally I opened the door. On asking, I told I was missing home. Why dint I tell them what had happened? I told no one. Pushed that away too.
I wish my parents had stood for me the first time it happened. I wish I had stood for myself the second time it happened.
I moved to delhi for my college. I started having dreams, someone was getting raped and i was trying to save her. I use to wake up screaming. It must have happened four five times. It stopped as suddenly as it had started.
Since then i haven't been able to push it at the back of my mind. Its there. Resurfaces at its own whim.
I was sleeping with a guy. We had decided not to get involved in any other way. That dint happen, towards the end I think I started liking him. I feel sad as to what I did to myself in this set up. I don't know how that happened, but he became the one with the greater power. For however long this arrangement worked, I kept submitting. It was not like he was a bad guy. It is not even about sex. Its generally about a lot of things .I don't blame him. It was me who was at fault. I let him do that to me. knowing him it was not something conscious. Now, when i am out of it, I feel disgusted at myself for letting this happen. I realized how even today after all my understanding I did not stand up for my own self. It kind of amazes me how I have been exploited and have exploited myself.
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